Last year, Advent started with a weekend retreat focused on choosing hope, peace, joy, love, and life. It truly was life-giving even if it was a full and tiring weekend; and it carried into the whole season. This year, Advent carries some weight of Lent.
Maybe that Lenten feeling is connected to a realization from a year ago, the realization of pending change yet undefined. While the realization brought a sense of peace and clarity, after the focus of the holidays faded, a sense of “now what?” descended. Holy Saturday is the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter, a day of waiting. We, almost 2,000 years later, know the rest of the story, but for the first disciples of Jesus, I imagine it was more a day of shock. A day of asking what happened, what the ____, what now?
I suspect most people will have at least one of those experiences that leaves them asking “now what?” It could be an unforeseen job loss, losing a loved one in a tragic accident, a terminal illness diagnosis, losing a home to a disaster. Or it could be something less overt, something on a smaller scale, yet which still results in that sense of having no direction or starting point. Maybe there’s an intentional choice or need to leave a career with no plan in place. With the new “normal” in our society which seems to be taking hold some days and a daily barrage of unbelievable (as in you can’t even make the stuff up) reports of what our leaders and government are doing, that alone can create a sense of “what the ____?” As former societal “institutions” struggle to be relevant, to adapt to the changing times, or attempt to take a stand against our egocentric consumeristic culture, some people find themselves in the rubble or the hobbling remnants of these community “institutions.” That can be a difficult place to be as well and can leave one asking “now what?”
Now what? That’s a reaction, and sometimes the only one possible. It’s a moment, sometimes a long one, to take stock, to pay attention, to discern what is important. But it can’t be the place to stay indefinitely. That “now what?”, Holy Saturday, could last a while…a lot longer than 24 hours for sure. And that sense of having no direction could come with the desire to stand still and stay put or to jump at the first best looking opportunity. Maybe there is a need to take one of those approaches and may be the thing to do for a bit as part of the discernment process.
At some point, the initial “now what?” reaction needs to change to a watchfulness, to first steps (calling the insurance company), to actively looking for a possible path or the light that gives a sense of direction. Even if the direction changes…maybe multiple times…the right path will come into view, the light will brighten and grow. Yet even then, questions of “what if…” or “but is this right?” may creep in and that discernment process may continue.
I remember someone in a journaling group say once that life is one period of discernment after another. There’s truth to that I think, for even if direction returns and things settle in one area of our lives, it won’t be long before something else gets unsettled.
So here I find myself, almost half way through this Advent, having found a path in an area that had me asking “now what?” and trying various paths for a while. Is it the right path? I don’t know. There’s certainly an element of wait and see, of continued discernment and paying attention while still journeying on. But there is a sense of hope and peace growing as the early steps are taken in this direction.
The saying goes that we are to “follow our hearts.” But sometimes, the heart gets stuck. Those unexpected times of “now what?” are usually not times that we look forward to and could be very unsettling, even terrifying. But they can also bring about amazing things worth taking that leap of faith that the heart hesitates to take sometimes.
In Advent, we wait. We wait for Love incarnate, for a birth. But this is a different kind of waiting. It’s not the same waiting as in times of no direction or waiting for others to act. It is that expectant waiting that is active with doing and moving forward. It is a pregnant waiting, growing in hope and peace and joy as, in my case, messengers bring welcome and invitation.
Whatever phase or kind of waiting you find yourself in at this time…initial “now what?”, tentative first steps, or a promising path…may you encounter clarity, light, hope, peace, joy, and love as you wait and as you journey. And may you be busy in your waiting…busy paying attention and living life.
P.S. – Discernment (a mashup of definitions)…a process of judging (yes, judging) well and looking deeply below the surface; not jumping to the first or easy answer; a time of in-between what was and what is to come; a threshold; liminal space.
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